Track originally appeared on "Nervous Like Me" and is available courtesy of Cayetana and Tiny Engines.
Throughout my life, just the word 'suicide' carried so much weight, and many different dimensions to me. I lost my father to suicide, and it's taken me years to try to understand, and to wrap my head around it. In my younger years, I fostered a lot of feelings of anger and contempt towards him. I saw first hand what happens when you make a choice that absolute. The wreckage that was left behind was monumental, and still is.
As I got older, I've suffered with, and continue to deal with, my own issues with depression and anxiety, and I began to understand the hopelessness one could feel that might lead them to thinking suicide is an answer.
The truth is, my life would have been completely different if he was here. Maybe I would have been able to talk to him about my own depression, and had someone who could relate. Maybe my mother would be happier, and would not always have to wake up with that weight on her shoulders everyday. Unfortunately that never got to happen. The one and only lesson my father taught me is that I would never think of suicide as an answer. There are always people that care. There are always things in this life that can make you feel better. We all have our dark days, but they always get light again.
If there was one thing in the world I would change, it would be that. I wish I could show him that. I wish I could tell him this. The truth is, there is help out there. I know how scary and shameful it is to admit that you're not okay, and to have to do that horrid google search late at night looking for help. That's okay, we've all been there. There is a lot of power in admitting that you just don't feel right, and that will never define you. Let your strength define you. Let your passions define you. Everyday that you wake up and feel like you just cant get out of bed, just do it, and let that define you. - Augusta Koch, Cayetana
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